Marilyn's Mussings

Have you ever pondered exactly when Ruth became a believer? Naomi had two daughters-in-law. Scripture is clear that they both had a good relationship with Naomi. She was special to them in that she was the mother of their husbands. But upon the death of those men, they were forced to walk together through a tragedy like none other. The shared grief must have fostered a unique kind of closeness between the three women. When Naomi decided to go home to Bethlehem, she encouraged the two young women to go back to their own homes in Moab.  "May the Lord show kindness to you, as you have shown to your dead and to me. May the Lord grant that each of you will find rest in the home of another husband." (Ruth 1:8b-9 NIV) Scripture says that she kissed them but they wept aloud as they protested. After some discussion, the one daughter-in-law, while weeping, kissed Naomi and left. She loved her and maybe it was hard, but she left all the same. Ruth stayed. Scripture says she clung to Nao...

When Ruth said to Naomi, "Your people shall be my people," neither of them were thinking about where they would spend Thanksgiving or which traditions they would hold on to for Christmas. But those decisions have the potential to crumble mountains in some families. Decisions about the holidays may be the hardest "in-law" test for new couples and their parents. From what I have observed, the mothers-in-law that navigate holidays the best are those who had the most heartache as daughters-in-law. The difficulty they experienced seems to make them the most gracious to the new couple. Holidays are hard. My first thanksgiving with my husband's family was a bit of a shock. Everything was completely foreign to what I knew and I wanted to cry. Every couple's prior holiday experiences are different and both assume that what they came from is the right way. They will need time to adjust and figure out what their own holidays will look like. I came to appreciate the Joh...

Entreat me not to leave you, Or to  turn back from following after you; For wherever you go, I will go; And wherever you lodge, I will lodge; Your people  shall be  my people, And your God, my God. Ruth 1:16 The many years of history you shared with your son have built the relationship you have with him now. The years were full of happy, caring and loving experiences, as well as hard experiences. You went through them together. You also had misunderstandings the two of you wrestled with and resolved. That combination fostered the strong, trusting relationship you both enjoy. You know his heart and he knows yours. Communication at this point in your lives is easy.  Your time with your son's wife is obviously quite a bit shorter and is at least in some part filtered through your son. As much as you may want it, your relationship with her will never be what she has experienced with her own mother. You just don't have that history. Still, your relationship with her ...

Entreat me not to leave you, Or to turn back from following after you; For wherever you go, I will go; And wherever you lodge, I will lodge; Your people shall be my people, And your God, my God. Ruth 1:16 NKJV During the late 1970's and early 1980's, this was a much loved scripture chosen many times to be read at weddings. As a young woman, I too loved it and thought it to be romantic. The fact that it was in the Bible made it all the better. While these words are beautiful when read aloud and are certainly fitting for a wedding, the context of the scripture is not about a marriage relationship at all. They are words spoken by a woman to her mother-in-law. The life story of that woman, Ruth and her mother-in-law, Naomi, is written in the Old Testament book of Ruth. God used the lives of these real women to tell about the coming Christ, our Redeemer, who would come years later from the lineage of Ruth. Naomi, her husband and two sons found themselves in the midst of a fami...

From the moment they put him in your arms, he captured your heart. You wondered how it was possible to instantly love him so much. But you did, and it was wonderfully satisfying. You were forever a willing captive to that love. You took that precious blue bundle home and showered him with love, kisses and snuggles. The two of you began a journey in which your lives would forever be intertwined.  By the time he was a toddler, he was your little man. You cared for him, prayed for him and supported him in every aspect of his life. You were there when he fell off his big wheel, kicked the soccer ball and struggled with his math facts. When he asked Jesus to come into his heart, you were there too and you got to watch him grow in his faith. You prayed him through middle school and prayed for the woman he would marry. In what seemed like a blink of the eye, your little man became a responsible, accomplished grown man.  Somewhere close to the same time that you were snuggling with yo...

Being a mother is a journey. The responsibility is huge, but the joy is even greater. At the outset, our lives are immediately and forever changed because our hearts are involved in a different way than ever before. The change prepares us for the trip but also makes us vulnerable along the way.  As we go, we bask on the mountaintops of exceeding joy and struggle through the valleys of difficulty. The shared adventures of happiness, sadness, laughter and tears, provide a strong bond for the family of origin. When our children marry, our journey changes but is not over. It is enriched, first by their spouses, then by their children. Just as the mother's family multiplies, so does her love. The heart has a great capacity to love. Our children's spouses are a treasured part of our family and we receive them with joy. But the excessive and outrageous love one feels for a grandchild is a mystery. Mixed up in there somewhere is the inseparable love for their parents. Where one stops ...

Before I began writing about mothering mothers, I survey between forty and fifty young mothers. I asked them to tell me what they need from their mothers and mothers-in-law. They were to include both things they need and have, and things they need but do not have. I found their comments to fall into four general categories: Affirmation and Encouragement Boundaries Help Unconditional Love By far the most comments were about unconditional love. What a great reminder. The unconditional love that flooded our hearts when we became mothers is still what they crave most. A fresh reading of 1 Corinthians 13 as the mother of a mother is powerful! Love and pray for them as they make decisions and establish their own traditions. Support them as they blend two new families in a world that differs from the one in which they were raised. Loving them unconditionally through this process will provide them not only affirmation, but security also. Offer them advice when asked but tell them often ...

I remember the first time I took my sixteen-month-old grandson to lunch. It was our first excursion for just the two of us and I was so delighted to spend time with the little man. But oh my! I had forgotten how much was involved. It began with me juggling Jonathan, money, and mandarin oranges at the cash register, and ended with renegade milk leaping into the air while I grabbed for my running toddler! Mothers need help! But asking for help is sometimes difficult. In What Every Mom Needs , Elisa Morgan and Carol Kuykendall recognize that "most of us go to great lengths on our own before actually asking for help."  The reasons for this are varied but most boil down to a feeling of guilt. Somehow we as mothers think we should be able to do it all, that other mothers do it all, and we are expected to do it all. We reason, "we've made the choice to be mothers, and now we will deal with whatever motherhood throws our way." Life situations from unexpected pregnancy ...

The powerful influence of a mother in a woman’s life cannot be overstated. She longs for your affirmation and will receive it partly in how you exhibit trust in her by respecting the choices she makes as a mother. It is important to remember that God has entrusted your grandchild to his parents. They are a team, responsible to each other and to God. When they make decisions that differ from their family of origin, no judgment or criticism should be implied. Just as we stood on the sidelines cheering them on as they worked together with sports or academic teams, encouragement and support from us is most effective. They are directly involved in the "game" and God Himself is their "coach." While we resist the temptation to correct or criticize the parenting style, if the child’s well-being is in danger she should be told. She wants that. One mother said "Tell me if I am making a horrible mistake!" However, most of what we want to share is preference an...

Unlike the workforce, being a mother has no purposeful time-line for evaluation and the little ones who say thank you, do so at her direction. If you are a woman of influence in a young mother's life, tell her how proud you are of her as a mother. Acknowledge how hard she works. Tell her often and be specific. Empty flattery is worthless but a casual observation of this young woman's day yields plenty to highlight. Find out what mode of communication the young mother in your life enjoys. A note in the mail or words on her facebook wall might be just the pick-me-up she needs. An encouraging text message straight from the scripture is always good.  I was busy at home one day enjoying a sweet memory of my last visit with my daughter and grandson. He was less than a year old, but as she corrected him she talked to him about making good choices. My heart swelled as I thought about what a good mother she was. Then I suddenly realized that more than enjoying that warm fuzzy feeling,...

One of the times a woman most needs a mother is when she becomes a mother. Many women erroneously think the need is primarily for the mother's experience. While that experience is important, what is more needful is found in Webster's definition of mother, "maternal tenderness or affection." The care the young mother provides for her child is a joy, but also a serious task and it times feels quite overwhelming. Most mothers alternate between feeling competent and knowledgeable one day and completely inadequate the next. She needs to know that a mother is there for her as she rides this emotional roller-coaster of tremendous responsibility. One young mother expressed it this way: "Don't forget that I am your child just because the baby came along!" It is my joy to be in “mother-to-a-mother” relationships with both the daughter I raised and the daughter my son married. This season of life has drawn us closer together than anything else and I ...

“Dum dity, dum dity, dum dum dum” I said to Jonathan as we played in the floor. With bright eyes and determination, he scampered down the hall to find the familiar yellow book filled with monkeys. I looked across the room at the baby’s young mother. Not so many years ago I read the same book to her.  I was consciously aware that in some sense, I had passed a baton to her. I was no longer a primary player in this mother-child relationship, and she was doing the job that I had done for years. The responsibility for Jonathan was hers. The comfortable role of mother that I loved dearly was also hers. As Jonathan crawled into my lap with the book, I closed my eyes and tried to breath in the privilege of the moment. My busy one-year-old grandson snuggled close and waited with anticipation. Eager to join him in his wonder, I opened the Dr. Seuss classic. One short year ago, Jonathan came home from the hospital with parents as new as his car seat and crib. I was there to offer my expert...

The Toddler Challenge has been all over social media and even showed up on some news programs. A mother sits her toddler at the table with a cookie or a bowl of candy and tells the child not to eat it until she returns. She leaves for a short time and keeps the camera rolling. This results in so many cute pictures of precious, though not always innocent toddlers. My favorites are those in which the child licks his lips, or smells the treat, or just excitedly holds his hands back in anticipation. But the one that made me laugh the hardest was the little fellow who popped a piece of the candy in his mouth and chewed fast, while full body dancing. He then calmly sat down to wait for his mom, the picture of innocence. The Toddler Challenge is interesting, funny and sweet, as well as a great open door for teaching. Our response to "challenges" are not usually interesting, funny or sweet, but God always intends they be an open door for Him to teach us. He sets us up wi...

Miley Geelene Wallace Vail was born January 18, 1928. She was named after her grandmother who was named Miley decades before Miley Cirus was born! She was a lifelong learner. Her strong will served her well. She taught herself to cook, sew, crochet, freeze and can. After we all left home she ordered a mannequin and determined to learn how to be a ventriloquist. She loved to laugh and sing and play table games. She went to scrabble tournaments across the country after we became no competition for her. Because Daddy was in the Air Force, we traveled. Mother embraced every location we lived in or traveled through. She learned what was there and made sure we saw it. After Daddy died she traveled across the country with us to visit her grandchildren. There was always more she wanted to see. Mother loved her family and she loved her church. She served in almost every capacity. She taught Sunday School to adults and children. She served in the nursery. She sang in the choir. She was WMU di...

My mother has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. While the diagnosis is new, it has become evident to me that we have been going down this path for many years. The doctors finally told us what we refused to see. The first symptoms appeared not long after my daddy and brother died in November of 2003. I have spent the years since explaining away her behavior. She spent those same years covering her increasing inabilities. My frustration was only exceeded by her own. The diagnoses came when I could no longer offer excuses and she could no longer cover. I have entered a new kind of grief with the realization that she will never be better. But in church this morning, I experienced hope. Mother reached for the pew Bible and began looking for Psalm 23 with the rest of the congregation. I did not offer to help as previous attempts had embarrassed her but I watched while she was in Psalms, then not, then back again. She could not find the scripture before time to read. My heart ached....

I was reading about Hannah this morning in First Samuel. After years of not being able to conceive, Hannah promised the LORD that if He would give her a son, she would give that son back to Him. God did indeed give Hannah and Elkanah a son whom they named Samuel. When Samuel was three years old, Hannah took him to the temple to live with Eli. She gave him back to the LORD. As a young adult, I prayed that I would have the faith of Hannah. As a mother, I was amazed at Hannah's faith. I found myself giving my children back to God over and over again. Maybe Hannah did that too in those first fleeting years. But maybe, through her inability to conceive, she learned early the profound truth that mothers struggle to hold. Our children are not ours at all, and they never have been. They are His. When a sweet baby is born, the professionals tell us that the baby doesn't quite know where he stops and mom begins. The bond that the new mother has with her baby makes that distinction fuzz...

". . . He saw James son of Zebedee and his brother John in a boat, preparing their nets. Without delay He called them, and they left their father Zebedee in the boat with the hired men and followed Him." Mark 1:19-20 I love this scripture and the picture in draws in my mind of two adult men with their father. Jesus said come and they dropped everything. What a thrilling experience for those two young men. I have prayed that for my children, that they drop everything and go with Jesus wherever He wants them. In my later years, I think about Zebedee. He was there too. I wonder if he prayed for his boys. Scripture doesn't tell us much about Zebedee, but what it does tell us is that he was their Daddy and they helped him fish. For me, the best part of fishing with my daddy was the time we spent together. Zebedee must have spent hours of time with his boys. This morning I received pictures I had made of my family in July. It is late afternoon and I have done little else th...

Mama Sue came into my life when I was a young wife and she was there when I found out I was expecting my first child. I knew nothing about babies and I shared with her my fear that I would not know what to do with my own child. With calm words and a confident smile she said, "God will put it in your heart." She told me that many times prior to the arrival of my baby girl. When she came to hold her for the first time, I could not wait to tell her, through tears, "God put it in my heart! He really did!" Then I watched with gratitude as she snuggled my little pink bundle in her arms. I knew she had shared with me the key to parenting and it was God Himself. I only had the blessing of time with Mama Sue for a few years before God moved us to another city, but they were crucial years. She poured into me truths that have impacted my walk with God and my role as a mother. I'm pretty sure it was not intentional. She was being a mother and walking with God. I went al...

Dear child, I was your mother long before I was this child’s grandmother. We have gone on a long and wonderful journey together. From the first time I held you in my arms, you have been stretching for your independence. I cheered you on as you took each monumental step and helped you establish ownership of your life. As you pushed me away with one hand, you pulled me close with the other until as we found the delicate balance between your need for both my affirmation and my respect of your boundaries. Now you have a journey of your own. You have the privilege and responsibility of pouring your life into your little ones as I poured my life into you. They too, are already stretching for independence and as you help them establish ownership of their lives, I am still cheering you on with each monumental step. My joy for you is only exceeded by my pride in you as you embrace the responsibility. I am Nana, but I am and will always be your mother, the roll I cherished first. I love you.

I only had two children. I was not one of those girls that always dreamed of having children but I guess I thought I would someday. I'm pretty sure God smiled as he watched my husband and I discussing and ultimately deciding where we would put that on our calendar. He had His own plans and blessed us with Leah six months ahead of our carefully thought out schedule. What I remember most about those early hours were my tears and marvel over the perfection I held in my arms. I could not believe how much I loved her.  Psalm 127:5 says "Happy is the man that hath his quiver full." Five arrows. Five, I decided, was the perfect number of children. But I couldn't bear to have another until I could quit work. It hurt too much to leave. So it was four years before I had Stephen. He was every bit as wonderful and perfect as Leah and though I feared I might not love him as much as I did his sister, my heart again swelled with an unexplainable love. I was so happy and so content a...