Healthy Boundaries Yield Healthy Relationships

The powerful influence of a mother in a woman’s life cannot be overstated. She longs for your affirmation and will receive it partly in how you exhibit trust in her by respecting the choices she makes as a mother. It is important to remember that God has entrusted your grandchild to his parents. They are a team, responsible to each other and to God. When they make decisions that differ from their family of origin, no judgment or criticism should be implied. Just as we stood on the sidelines cheering them on as they worked together with sports or academic teams, encouragement and support from us is most effective. They are directly involved in the "game" and God Himself is their "coach."

While we resist the temptation to correct or criticize the parenting style, if the child’s well-being is in danger she should be told. She wants that. One mother said "Tell me if I am making a horrible mistake!" However, most of what we want to share is preference and experiences. I sang an eleven word song to my daughter-in-law that I had authored during a desperate moment with my first-born. I told her how I continued to sing it to both children for many of their first years and how it was an immediate comfort to them. I laughed at myself afterward, wondering if I sounded like there was magic in the words and tune that she needed from me. She told me later that singing "Mommy, Mommy Crockett" to the tune of "Davey Crockett" calmed her own newborn. They are developing preferences and experiences of their own and I am sure will have the same temptation to offer them as advice to their own children.  

Actively support the decisions she has made as a parent. While you may see no harm in feeding your grandchild a Chicken McNugget Happy Meal, his mother may have chosen a totally organic diet. The organic diet may not be your preference but it is hers and the well-being of the child is certainly not at risk. Respecting her decision is interpreted as affirmation. The message sent is “I am on your team. I trust you with my grandchild and I will not undermine you as the parent.” She will gain confidence and energy in her role as mother from your trust in her choices.

Can you imagine cooking dinner in the familiar environment of your own kitchen, and a professional chef showing up to give you unsolicited advice, or take over your kitchen without an invitation? You may not see yourself as a professional, but the young mother in your life sees you as a mother with much positive experience. While a mother's advice is valuable, it is much better received when asked. Not until she perceives the need will the question formulate. She wants to know your opinion as she makes her decisions, but if we are not careful she might find more safety in a google search than with us. The computer doesn't tell what it knows until asked and is not offended if the user chooses to follow a different path. 

Words are powerful and are sometimes used too casually. As mothers, our intention is never to hurt or intrude but we are sometimes over zealous in our desire to help. The young mother desperately wants to do things right. Well intending words spoken can easily be heard as criticism. Both parties realize the magnitude of the responsibility. Today my daughter-in-law and I were talking by text. In the course of the conversation I offered an opinion about something she "needed." Five minutes later I suddenly thought "Did I just tell her what she 'needed?'" That was certainly not my intention but came out so easily. I immediately apologized and she graciously told me that she was not offended. A continuing attitude of mutual respect between mother and daughter or daughter-in-law, along with purposeful communication will accomplish much. 

Read what a few young mothers said about boundaries:

"I need help but I need respect for boundaries."

"I need advice on what worked for you when I ask so it doesn't seem overbearing."

"I need advice, but I need understanding if we choose not to heed the advice given."

"Support me in my decisions on rearing even though they may be different from yours."

"Remember that my house is my home and you are a guest (a much loved guest). My home is not like my room in your home."